Fear

I am in pain from a badly broken bone. I am on pain killers. They allow me to get sleep I would not otherwise get. But I find myself fighting the seductive lull of these medications in bursts of panic as I realize they are snatching my consciousness away from me. If I am not conscious, anything could happen to me, I could be hurt. Panic panic panic. I am afraid, but if I do not take them I won't be able to sleep.

I want just one night of sleep that does not involve a panic attack or substantial fear with no apparent cause. My anxiety is strangling and I cannot stop the tears.I am struggling to hang on to the pieces of myself but it is so hard.This is the time when I would compose a long rambling email to my therapist. but I am trying to stop. She says she reads them, but when I bring up bits of them in session she is blank, having obviously not read them. And she no longer replies. There's no point in putting my heart into something that will just disappear into cyberspace garbage.

But I miss my therapist.